The Various and Problematic Film Ventures of Rick Santorum, Part Two: Seasons of Gray

Rick Santorum’s new film venture, EchoLight Studios, promises Hollywood quality Christian entertainment. Has he succeeded? While I haven’t gotten my hands on any of the movies yet, the trailers do not look promising. In this (hopefully) running column, I look at the trailers of the new ventures of EchoLight studios and offer commentary.

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Seasons of Gray

My trailer rating: D

With 50 Shades of Grey jokes in vogue, it’s probably not the best idea to title any movie with the word “Gray” or “Grey”. You only invite comparison. Particularly when the phrase “If you need a place tonight, I’ve got a spare room”, is uttered in your movie trailer.

Tee-hee-hee.

Seasons of Gray is a “modern retelling of the Joseph Story”, which envisions the story of Joseph’s life as a Rom-Com. Or a Rom-Com / Prison Drama. Regardless, the only things it seems to have carried over from the original is the complicated family relationship and the whole leaving-your-brother-for-dead thing. Oh, and the awesome prophet-dreams thing. He also wears a cowboy hat, as all characters in the modern Christian drama must, at some point.

Basically, Joseph Gray, is kicked out of home by his terrible brothers who also wear cowboy hats, or, as the trailer puts it, he is:

cast away

Joseph is put in a cattle hauler and dropped in the middle of nowhere, but saved by a token POC, who has a spare room for him to stay in. Joseph gets an office job and meets a smiley blonde woman that he banters cutely with. And she tells him about horses! She dresses him up like a youth pastor! Her smile is so bright that it can irradiate a cockroach to death! (Seriously, watch the trailer) What more could any man want?

coat

The hip vest of many colors.

But then, out of nowhere, Joseph is:

convicted

In Joseph’s words, “The judge said his court had zero tolerance. It didn’t matter that I didn’t do it.”

Well that just sucks for Joseph that he had one of those judges who convicts without evidence. If they wanted a more realistic take on the American courtroom, Joseph could be a black man who he is coerced into a settlement by a overzealous prosecutor and a lackadaisical public defender. But that would be silly, because Joseph is white, just like all of the Middle Eastern characters in the Bible.

Anyway, thanks to the efforts of token POC, who sells his car, our character can afford an appeal, and he gets out because there is no evidence that he committed a crime. Apparently the judge has changed his “zero tolerance” philosophy. Joseph Gray then goes home to redeem his brothers, which is where our fine trailer ends.

I didn’t want to watch this movie at all, and as the trailer told me the whole plot, I didn’t even need to. There was no mystery left. I give the trailer for “Seasons of Gray” a D instead of an F because Gray’s girlfriend might kill me with her smile. Also, because I admire the audacity of replacing the Coat of Many Colors with the hipster-pastor vest of many colors.

Speaking of many colors…

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