The Various and Problematic Film Ventures of Rick Santorum, Part One

As I’m sure my recent posts have reflected, I’ve developed a bit of a fascination with Rick Santorum’s new venture as CEO of EchoLight Studios, which promises “Hollywood Quality” Christian movies. I will be reviewing these trailers until I get bored of doing so. Judging by the first one that I watched, The Redemption of Henry Myers, that might take awhile. For The Redemption of Henry Myers, in just a two minute trailer, gave me enough material for a pretty substantial blog post. So, without further ado:

The Redemption of Henry Myers

A Trailer Based Plot Summary: A wounded bearded man (Henry Myers, we later learn) falls of a horse in the middle of the desert. He is saved by Good-Natured Widow, her Petulant Son and Pure/Trusting Daughter.  At first Henry Myers is distrusted by Petulant Son. But after Henry Myers shaves hiscreepy beard, he earns the trust of Petulant Son and Pure/Trusting Daughter alike.  Good-Natured Widow, seeing that Henry Myers is capable of interacting with her children, immediately considers him father material.

henry myers 2

“Without a man, I have been unable to raise my children!”

But Henry Myers’ past comes back to haunt him, in the form of three creepily-bearded men who want “the money.” Which money? It doesn’t matter. Henry did some bad things and owes some people some money. Henry then delivers the most generic angsty monologue of all time,

“I hate my life. I’ve made some bad choices. I’ve hurt some good people.”

Now that’s some Hollywood-style writing.

Zing!

The trailer closes with everyone crying for twenty seconds. But at the end, there’s an implication that Good-Natured Widow will accept Henry Myers, thanks once more to the intervention of Pure/Trusting Daughter. Perhaps they well engage in intercourse and create more petulant and/or trusting children. This part, however, is left for us to discover when we watch the movie in selected theaters.

Why this movie will (probably) be terrible: It looks like a bad Western with wayyyyy more crying. And in the words of Ron Howard: said crying wasn’t exactly a turn-on.

Henry Myers, either just having cried many man tears or having just got out of  a long fully-clothed bath.

Also, it’s pretty hilarious/offensive to imagine that a woman will fall in love with a stranger just because he is nice to her kids. Now that’s some good ol’ male entitlement.

Best moment in the trailer: In what is truly an unfortunate bit of editing, Good-Natured Widow appears to check out Henry Myers, who just happens to have the butt of his rifle at just about waist level.

Who are these actors, anyway?: Drew Waters, aka Henry Myers, was a minor character in Friday Night Lights. Luce Rains, who plays a sheriff, was in 3:10 to Yuma and was also the first guy to get killed with an air pressure hose in No Country for Old Men. Rains was actually pretty memorable in that role, though that may have had more to do with Javier Bardem than him.

In Summary: I actually didn’t hate The Redemption of Henry Myers from moment one of the trailer. However, once everybody started crying, I lost interest. I hate to harp on this whole “crying” thing, but crying is like the alcohol of movie trailers – it can make a good trailer that much better, but if you overuse it, you’re going to end up with a mess on your hands.

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